I wonder, sometimes, what I would consider happiness.
A state of well-being and contentment.
Webster-Merriam doesn’t say much about it. Is it personal? Is it standing on top of a mountain and breathing the fresh, electric air of an incoming storm? Is it standing on a beach, with the winds of a hurricane blowing your resolve away? It’s many things to me.
Is it a person? Can you find that happiness with someone?
I think you can, but that’s not all, is it?
That special someone is out there, I know.
I once threw a ring in the river, I have adventures written on my forehead, I have broken promises plastered on my back but beyond that, beyond the disappointment, the anger, the sadness, I feel freer than I’ve ever been. Can’t quite fly, can’t quite run, can’t quite swim but I can walk, I can jump and I can paddle.
It’s not quite the contentment of a child, the raw joy they feel, but it’s something that, for once, settled down in my bones. I don’t have to struggle so bloody much to keep my head from sinking. I can touch the bottom of the lake with my toes, yes, but there’s so little water now that I can stand and have my arms and my neck and my shoulders out of the water.
One look at my dog and I smile, one look at these pictures and I will long for them, without the overwhelming jealousy of before.
Until next time, until next time, I’m able to think.
I don’t know. You tell me. What happened? I let go of people, of weights on my shoulders, of doubts.
I don’t have to bend backwards for people, to change who I am to accommodate them. I don’t have to smooth the edges – the edges are there, the claws are retracted most of the times but they exist, the teeth are sharp, hidden behind a smile, but they’re there.
I don’t have to pretend I’m not that person.
Those who simply can’t accept that, accept that sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m broody, sometimes I’m as excited as a five years old on Christmas Day, and sometimes I cry because of a song is tearing me apart, well, those persons aren’t quite worth my time, are they?
Stay true to yourself, hike mountains, sleep on a picnic table and watch the starlit skies and pretend you can touch the stars, even a little bit. Stay true to yourself, caress your dreams, flirt with your memories, enjoy the taste of joy in your mouth.